PMS, AF, BFN, EEG, MRI, PDG and IVF

My life seems to be taken over by abbreviations these days. I had quite the PMS this cycle for sure. I'm sure Bubba and those around me must've loved it. My cycle was like 10 days longer this month than normal, and since I'm not tracking my ovulation or anything right now, it made it impossible to know when to predict AF (aunt flow). So, over the past 2 weeks I have taken a ridiculous number of pregancy tests - fully realizing they'd be a BFN (big fat negative), but nonetheless taking them because I'm a glutton for punishment. My favorite personally are the digital ones that actually put the words out there for you. So you pee on it and it screams at you "NOT PREGNANT!!!!!" . Ok...I added the exclamation points there, they don't actually exist on the test. But these ones are just so much meaner than just seeing 1 line. That I can handle, I'm an old pro at the just 1 line showing up. The unfortunate thing is at this point I'm also an old pro at the 2 lines showing up. I have a fabulous collection of positive tests - a few from each of my 3 pregnancies - floating around. They currently reside in a basket in my bathroom. One day I'm gonna figure out what to do with those suckers, but that's a post for another day.

On to the next 2 abbreviations. EEG and MRI. As if I dont' have enough to annoy me in my life right now, over the past month I've had increasing lightheaded and dizzy spells. Started small, then got more annoying, and have progressed to all day every day. I can't drive, can't concentrate. This is so disrupting my life and frustrating the crap out of me. Went to regular doc - all my blood stuff seems normal. Thyroid - good. Electrolytes - good. Iron - good. All the usual suspects good. Inner ear infection - not detected. So, next step - the neurologist. Which i felt just oh so stupid going to this very important doctor who deals with people with real problems like brain tumors and epilepsy. But..he was nice. I now have an EEG (put electrodes on head and check brain wave stuff) and an MRI (i sure hope i'm not claustrophobic) on MOnday and Tuesday of this week. Does my doctor or I really think they'll find something there? NO. But...have to do it to rule things out. So, after ordering all these tests, Dr. Neuroman tells me if all of these things come back good, which he expects they will, we may want to consider treating you for anxiety. Anxiety? I told him I really don't feel stressed. I think for the most part I handle the crap ball that is my fertility life pretty well. I take the loss hard at first, then I recover and recoup and get energy for next time. But now I do have anxiety over the fact that I may have anxiety. It's a vicious cycle!!! Maybe the man is on to something? The thing I hate the most about that possible diagnosis, is I hate being the last one to figure out what is going on with myself. I don't want to be one of those ignorant people who can't see what their deal is til it slaps them in the face. I wish I could've just figured it out on my own, called the doc and said, "I have anxiety, fix it please." I like being in control - and this whole dizzy thing is totally putting my wildly out of control. Hate it, hate it!

I have rambled on and on here so will just briefly say that PDG & IVF are things that are possibly looming in the future for us. We have an appt. with the genetics fertility doc on August 7th. This is the one that's going to help us figure out what the problem is and find ways scientifically to correct it. And while I have no problem with having to go this science route to help us out, I do not know that I have peace about the timing. Part of me thinks we need to try it on our own again another time before getting to this conclusion. But is that just setting us up for loss # 4? But we have the appointment, and are gonna go see what they have to say.

I also have a prescription filled for clomid that I'm supposed to start taking this cycle - so I have to figure out in the next few days to do that now or wait. I'm so bad at decisions and I dont' know what to do! I feel no direction either way, no leading, no peace. I just feel dizzy!

These are the ramblings of my brain on this Saturday morning. I think I shall head to the pool and try to forget about all this stuff as best I can despite my heinous cramps. Thanks for listening gals.

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

So I saw the movie License to Wed today. It was quite entertaining and as Mandy Moore and John Krasinski went about wedding day decisions, it got me thinking about my wedding. It's been almost 5 years since our big day and with that time passed, there are so many things I would have changed about my wedding day. It's so funny, cause at the time it all feels so perfect, but looking back, some things just annoy me. Here are the things I should've done different. I'm sure in 5 years this list will grow even more.

Should've walked down the aisle to something more fun and meaningful than just the bridal march. If I had to do it now, I think I would choose "Brigther than Sunshine" by Aqualung. Of course, that song didn't exist back in '02, but I'm sure I could've found something better. I just didn't even think about it.

Should've thought more about bridesmaid selection. I have really lost touch with a few of them, and I wish I would've had foresight to know which friendships would last. One of my bridesmaids and I didn't speak or see each other from my wedding day until last week. So that kinda stinks.

Should've had future seeing ability so I could've invited people who are important to me now to my wedding. So many of you that I love so much now, I didn't know then. So you couldn't share with me on my special day, and I couldn't on yours.

Should've not thought I was fat on wedding day. Boy was I thin back then! And I so didn't think so which is stupid. I was 123 on my day - and oh what I wouldn't give to back there now. I would appreciate it this time and not think I needed to be smaller.

Should've had different first dance song. David really chose the song - and I never really liked it, but I wanted to let him contribute. This is probably the thing I wish was different most of all really. When I hear the song on the radio now it just annoys me - when your wedding song should give you warm fuzzies. He chose "Finally Found Someone" by Bryan Adams and Barbara Streisand. It was impossible to dance to, and it wasn't our song. We should've danced to "Your Precious Love" by Marvin Gaye and someone else who's name escapes me. It was much more our song. That is the closest thing to "our song" I can imagine and it has much more character.

Should've had an open bar at the wedding....or at least a champagne toast. At the time we felt there were too many people to offend, but as time passes all that seems silly.

Should've not invited people out of obligation. Last week I went through the wedding pictures from our table cameras and there were so many people at our wedding that are out of my family's life now. Most because they got ticked off at something at church and left in quite not nice ways. I really hate that I wasted space at my wedding on them. Grrrrr.

Should've gotten the DVD of my wedding. For some reason, we only ordered the VHS, which was really stupid. One of these days I need to take that up somewhere to get it converted before it gets all fuzzy.

I'm sure as the years go on, I will find more things to add to this list. And one day I'm going to have one kick @$$ renewal of vows bash and do everything different. But that's still like 20 years off, so for now, I just have this list.

So what tops your wedding day regrets lists?