Saturday, July 14, 2007

PMS, AF, BFN, EEG, MRI, PDG and IVF


My life seems to be taken over by abbreviations these days. I had quite the PMS this cycle for sure. I'm sure Bubba and those around me must've loved it. My cycle was like 10 days longer this month than normal, and since I'm not tracking my ovulation or anything right now, it made it impossible to know when to predict AF (aunt flow). So, over the past 2 weeks I have taken a ridiculous number of pregancy tests - fully realizing they'd be a BFN (big fat negative), but nonetheless taking them because I'm a glutton for punishment. My favorite personally are the digital ones that actually put the words out there for you. So you pee on it and it screams at you "NOT PREGNANT!!!!!" . Ok...I added the exclamation points there, they don't actually exist on the test. But these ones are just so much meaner than just seeing 1 line. That I can handle, I'm an old pro at the just 1 line showing up. The unfortunate thing is at this point I'm also an old pro at the 2 lines showing up. I have a fabulous collection of positive tests - a few from each of my 3 pregnancies - floating around. They currently reside in a basket in my bathroom. One day I'm gonna figure out what to do with those suckers, but that's a post for another day.

On to the next 2 abbreviations. EEG and MRI. As if I dont' have enough to annoy me in my life right now, over the past month I've had increasing lightheaded and dizzy spells. Started small, then got more annoying, and have progressed to all day every day. I can't drive, can't concentrate. This is so disrupting my life and frustrating the crap out of me. Went to regular doc - all my blood stuff seems normal. Thyroid - good. Electrolytes - good. Iron - good. All the usual suspects good. Inner ear infection - not detected. So, next step - the neurologist. Which i felt just oh so stupid going to this very important doctor who deals with people with real problems like brain tumors and epilepsy. But..he was nice. I now have an EEG (put electrodes on head and check brain wave stuff) and an MRI (i sure hope i'm not claustrophobic) on MOnday and Tuesday of this week. Does my doctor or I really think they'll find something there? NO. But...have to do it to rule things out. So, after ordering all these tests, Dr. Neuroman tells me if all of these things come back good, which he expects they will, we may want to consider treating you for anxiety. Anxiety? I told him I really don't feel stressed. I think for the most part I handle the crap ball that is my fertility life pretty well. I take the loss hard at first, then I recover and recoup and get energy for next time. But now I do have anxiety over the fact that I may have anxiety. It's a vicious cycle!!! Maybe the man is on to something? The thing I hate the most about that possible diagnosis, is I hate being the last one to figure out what is going on with myself. I don't want to be one of those ignorant people who can't see what their deal is til it slaps them in the face. I wish I could've just figured it out on my own, called the doc and said, "I have anxiety, fix it please." I like being in control - and this whole dizzy thing is totally putting my wildly out of control. Hate it, hate it!

I have rambled on and on here so will just briefly say that PDG & IVF are things that are possibly looming in the future for us. We have an appt. with the genetics fertility doc on August 7th. This is the one that's going to help us figure out what the problem is and find ways scientifically to correct it. And while I have no problem with having to go this science route to help us out, I do not know that I have peace about the timing. Part of me thinks we need to try it on our own again another time before getting to this conclusion. But is that just setting us up for loss # 4? But we have the appointment, and are gonna go see what they have to say.

I also have a prescription filled for clomid that I'm supposed to start taking this cycle - so I have to figure out in the next few days to do that now or wait. I'm so bad at decisions and I dont' know what to do! I feel no direction either way, no leading, no peace. I just feel dizzy!

These are the ramblings of my brain on this Saturday morning. I think I shall head to the pool and try to forget about all this stuff as best I can despite my heinous cramps. Thanks for listening gals.

54 comments:

Amber said...

Though my troubles are in completely different areas of my life, I do know how it feels to have SOOO MANY decisions to make. It is always this way in life- all important things in life happen in little clusters (much like hairballs). The anxiety is understandable - it's ok to be weak - it's ok to not know what comes next. I say this to you, but I know that even though I truly believe it is ok, I never ACT like it's ok when it's happening to me... Anyway, I send you my loving rambles, and wish I could go to the pool with you!

jill b said...

Trying to get pregnant can stink, not staying pregnant stinks on a whole other level, and making major decisions isn't usually much fun, either. I won't pretend to understand it all in its entirety, but I know it sounds stinky. ;) If you didn't have SOME anxiety (whether or not that's what's causing your physical symptoms), I'd think you were indeed Super Woman, not to mention perfect because you still look super cute while having stinky things happen. I don't know if that was encouraging or the opposite or just random, but I love you and want it all to just be happy now.

Sunny said...

Stink to all of the above and a HUGE HUG! No words can fix or take away the problems. Just know I am praying for you and am here!

choose me. . . . love me said...

Sounds like you have been having a rough time. It all sounds so frustrating. You'll be in my prayers. I hope you feel better soon and that the dizziness goes away.

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