New Blog

So I've started a new blog...I figured this one may be temporary until I could figure out what I wanted to say on here. So here it is:
What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

There's nothing fabulous here, still working on some of the stuff, but I've made my first post. Check it out....

PMS, AF, BFN, EEG, MRI, PDG and IVF

My life seems to be taken over by abbreviations these days. I had quite the PMS this cycle for sure. I'm sure Bubba and those around me must've loved it. My cycle was like 10 days longer this month than normal, and since I'm not tracking my ovulation or anything right now, it made it impossible to know when to predict AF (aunt flow). So, over the past 2 weeks I have taken a ridiculous number of pregancy tests - fully realizing they'd be a BFN (big fat negative), but nonetheless taking them because I'm a glutton for punishment. My favorite personally are the digital ones that actually put the words out there for you. So you pee on it and it screams at you "NOT PREGNANT!!!!!" . Ok...I added the exclamation points there, they don't actually exist on the test. But these ones are just so much meaner than just seeing 1 line. That I can handle, I'm an old pro at the just 1 line showing up. The unfortunate thing is at this point I'm also an old pro at the 2 lines showing up. I have a fabulous collection of positive tests - a few from each of my 3 pregnancies - floating around. They currently reside in a basket in my bathroom. One day I'm gonna figure out what to do with those suckers, but that's a post for another day.

On to the next 2 abbreviations. EEG and MRI. As if I dont' have enough to annoy me in my life right now, over the past month I've had increasing lightheaded and dizzy spells. Started small, then got more annoying, and have progressed to all day every day. I can't drive, can't concentrate. This is so disrupting my life and frustrating the crap out of me. Went to regular doc - all my blood stuff seems normal. Thyroid - good. Electrolytes - good. Iron - good. All the usual suspects good. Inner ear infection - not detected. So, next step - the neurologist. Which i felt just oh so stupid going to this very important doctor who deals with people with real problems like brain tumors and epilepsy. But..he was nice. I now have an EEG (put electrodes on head and check brain wave stuff) and an MRI (i sure hope i'm not claustrophobic) on MOnday and Tuesday of this week. Does my doctor or I really think they'll find something there? NO. But...have to do it to rule things out. So, after ordering all these tests, Dr. Neuroman tells me if all of these things come back good, which he expects they will, we may want to consider treating you for anxiety. Anxiety? I told him I really don't feel stressed. I think for the most part I handle the crap ball that is my fertility life pretty well. I take the loss hard at first, then I recover and recoup and get energy for next time. But now I do have anxiety over the fact that I may have anxiety. It's a vicious cycle!!! Maybe the man is on to something? The thing I hate the most about that possible diagnosis, is I hate being the last one to figure out what is going on with myself. I don't want to be one of those ignorant people who can't see what their deal is til it slaps them in the face. I wish I could've just figured it out on my own, called the doc and said, "I have anxiety, fix it please." I like being in control - and this whole dizzy thing is totally putting my wildly out of control. Hate it, hate it!

I have rambled on and on here so will just briefly say that PDG & IVF are things that are possibly looming in the future for us. We have an appt. with the genetics fertility doc on August 7th. This is the one that's going to help us figure out what the problem is and find ways scientifically to correct it. And while I have no problem with having to go this science route to help us out, I do not know that I have peace about the timing. Part of me thinks we need to try it on our own again another time before getting to this conclusion. But is that just setting us up for loss # 4? But we have the appointment, and are gonna go see what they have to say.

I also have a prescription filled for clomid that I'm supposed to start taking this cycle - so I have to figure out in the next few days to do that now or wait. I'm so bad at decisions and I dont' know what to do! I feel no direction either way, no leading, no peace. I just feel dizzy!

These are the ramblings of my brain on this Saturday morning. I think I shall head to the pool and try to forget about all this stuff as best I can despite my heinous cramps. Thanks for listening gals.

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

So I saw the movie License to Wed today. It was quite entertaining and as Mandy Moore and John Krasinski went about wedding day decisions, it got me thinking about my wedding. It's been almost 5 years since our big day and with that time passed, there are so many things I would have changed about my wedding day. It's so funny, cause at the time it all feels so perfect, but looking back, some things just annoy me. Here are the things I should've done different. I'm sure in 5 years this list will grow even more.

Should've walked down the aisle to something more fun and meaningful than just the bridal march. If I had to do it now, I think I would choose "Brigther than Sunshine" by Aqualung. Of course, that song didn't exist back in '02, but I'm sure I could've found something better. I just didn't even think about it.

Should've thought more about bridesmaid selection. I have really lost touch with a few of them, and I wish I would've had foresight to know which friendships would last. One of my bridesmaids and I didn't speak or see each other from my wedding day until last week. So that kinda stinks.

Should've had future seeing ability so I could've invited people who are important to me now to my wedding. So many of you that I love so much now, I didn't know then. So you couldn't share with me on my special day, and I couldn't on yours.

Should've not thought I was fat on wedding day. Boy was I thin back then! And I so didn't think so which is stupid. I was 123 on my day - and oh what I wouldn't give to back there now. I would appreciate it this time and not think I needed to be smaller.

Should've had different first dance song. David really chose the song - and I never really liked it, but I wanted to let him contribute. This is probably the thing I wish was different most of all really. When I hear the song on the radio now it just annoys me - when your wedding song should give you warm fuzzies. He chose "Finally Found Someone" by Bryan Adams and Barbara Streisand. It was impossible to dance to, and it wasn't our song. We should've danced to "Your Precious Love" by Marvin Gaye and someone else who's name escapes me. It was much more our song. That is the closest thing to "our song" I can imagine and it has much more character.

Should've had an open bar at the wedding....or at least a champagne toast. At the time we felt there were too many people to offend, but as time passes all that seems silly.

Should've not invited people out of obligation. Last week I went through the wedding pictures from our table cameras and there were so many people at our wedding that are out of my family's life now. Most because they got ticked off at something at church and left in quite not nice ways. I really hate that I wasted space at my wedding on them. Grrrrr.

Should've gotten the DVD of my wedding. For some reason, we only ordered the VHS, which was really stupid. One of these days I need to take that up somewhere to get it converted before it gets all fuzzy.

I'm sure as the years go on, I will find more things to add to this list. And one day I'm going to have one kick @$$ renewal of vows bash and do everything different. But that's still like 20 years off, so for now, I just have this list.

So what tops your wedding day regrets lists?

What Goes Up Must Come Down

It's inevitable. It's the law of gravity: what comes up must come down. It never fails. I'm having a great string of days and then all the sudden - BAM! - a low comes out of left field. I've really been doing well lately and I've been on a nice high. Unfortunately today I got slammed back down. I have no idea what triggered this, or why. I just woke up blah and the day continued to be blah. I had to run to best buy for a DVD and as I was walking out I was hit with this huge wall of emotion and started bawling. Kind of embarassing, but I think I made it to my car before I was noticed by too many. It's crazy how things come at you from out of nowhere when you're on this road. I'm just tired. I'm tired of waiting for my doctor results. I'm tired of analyzing junk in my underwear for fertility signs. I'm tired of wondering if every tingling of my boobs means something. I can't even imagine what those who have been on this road longer than me feel like if I'm this exhausted after 2 years. And I hope and pray I don't have to experience this longer to truly know. But in my gut I really feel I will. Morbid thoughts maybe, but I felt these at the beginning of this whole trying thing, and I was right.

Sunny - thanks for your video post today. It was just what I needed. A good song to cry to and let it all out. I really did feel a little better after I cried and was able to go to church tonight relatively non-pissed at the world. Maybe this is all just pms. Who knows. But, today was worthy of breaking rules and I did break into my bottle of Cabernet Franc from the weekend. And....tomorrow's Thursday. And I fully intend to embibe tomorrow - cause that's what makes Thursdays rock. Nothing too crazy...but it is necessary and called for.

Off to bed.....thankfully tomorrow is a brand new day and a chance to be feeling good again. No need to comment anything about poor debby here - I know I'm being just self pitying so no need to enable me with anything. Just needed to vent.

Tag...I'm It Too

The Rules are:
-Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
-The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
-At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Jill tagged those in her blog roll, so I figured I'd take a stab at it: Here are 8 random factoids about me. I could go on and on, but these are just the 1st 8 that popped into my head:

1 - I really, really want to write a book one day - a novel - something I'd want to read when laying on the beach. Have wanted to be a writer since 5th grade when I aced a creative writing test. Alas, I have no ideas, and I'm not really a great writer, so no book yet. But maybe one day something will come together. I'm so jealous of people like JK Rowling who have all those ideas up there in their heads.

2 - I've always felt like I was meant for more. That sounds kind of odd, but I feel like I always fall short of my true potential. Like my sis, I am good at things, but stop before I get great. I conquer things to point of mediocrity, then move on to the next. I hate this about me. I really think God can do some really cool things in and through me if I'd just open up and let him. Can't explain this one, but I've just always felt this way.

3 - I married my husband because I met his mom first and decided I wanted her as a mother in law. Before I even met him I told many people I was going to marry him, and I was not joking. Lucky for me, he ended up being lovable.

4 - I worry that one day when I have kids, I won't like being a mom and will think that all of the trying and the pain of loss was not worth it.

5 - I LOVE food. Real food. Hot food. Give me a burger and fries over cake or cookies any day.

6 - I had my belly button pierced when I was 20. It got kind of infected a few months later and I let it close up, but I still have the scars from it. Maybe one day I'll redo it and be that old lady with a belly button ring.

7 - My favorite tv show of all time is My So Called Life. It only lasted a season but I was Angela, I wanted to be Rayanne and I loved Jordan. Actually....let me rephrase that - I AM Angela, I still want to be as cool as Rayanne and I love Jordan Cattalano still to this day. I hate that the show ended and I will never know what happened with all of them.

8 - I pick at my cuticles. Very bad habit. When I get stressed, I pick more and I end up picking to the point of bleeding. I guess it's just a nervous quirk thing I do - I dont' even realize I do it.

Lovely Day

I had such a lovely day on Friday. Bubba and I were on our way down south to visit older sis and fam and we decided to make some stops along the way. Every time we drive down there I'm always wanting to hit a few wineries but Bubba never wants to do it. He just wants to get to the destination and not take 9 years to get there. So much to my surprise, it was his idea to meander our way down and hit some of the wine spots. And...for those of you who know him, you know that Bubba doesn't do what Bubba doesn't want to do when Bubba doens't want to do it. So this was pretty exciting to me to be doing the trip the way I wanted. It was a beautiful day for a drive in the convertible, so we set off on the road. And, the rules allow for vacation drinking - so even though I was only going 3 hours away - any road trip to me is considered vacation :-).

So...stop # 1 was Barboursville Vineyards & Winery. I visited this one once before after miscarriage #2 with my mom and my sisters and we had a great time amidst a horrible time in my life. So it holds bittersweet memories for me, but I was glad to go back in a time when I was feeling pretty good about life. We did a tasting - they have the most wines available for tasting of any winery I've ever been to, so for $4 you get your money's worth for sure. We had a lovely lunch at the Palladio restaurant there and spent time talking in the way and on subject matters you only hit when you have a wine buzz. The food is fufu and unpronouncable but so yummy.

On to stop #2 at Kluge Winery. Beautiful windy roads led to this one. It made me want country living for like a second before I remembered how much I love being by all the stuff we have around us. This winery now tops my list of favs. It is tucked back and nestled in the woods with great outdoor seating areas...and you can even have your tasting brought outside to your table in a wine flight. It was another tasting for us both and a cheese plate to help wash it down. A perfect afternoon, a perfect setting, my perfect man with me. The tasting was pricey - $10 - but the wines were quite decent and the setting and experience was worth it. I forgot to buy my souveneir glass, so I'm going to have to make another visit to this one sometime soon. Who wants to come with?

We managed to stretch a 3 hour trip into a 7 hour trip, but it was well worth it and it was the best day I've had in a very long time. No stress, no worries, just me, Bubba, some wine and good conversation.

Bonus stop #3 happened on Saturday on the way home. Prince Michel Winery is right on the road, and since Bubba's butt was going numb from driving, he was easily persuaded to pull in for a quick tasting. This winery is beautiful, has great seating areas inside and out and free self guided tours and tastings every day. Unfortunately their wines are just so-so, but it would still be a great place to hang out for an afternoon.

My wine recommendations are:
-Cabernet Franc - Barboursville - I love the dry peppery taste of this. AFter the tasting, I had a glass with lunch and it was excellent. Virginia really has some great Cab Francs and if you're a fan I recommend.
-Kru - Kluge - this a white apertif wine that is super sweet and is made with chardonnay grapes, and small amount of chardonnay brandy and then aged in jack daniels barrels. Oh yeah...this is a good one.
I came home with bottles of these (and one for Sunny & Mrs. Mischief as well).

I guess I need to either wait for cramps or another amendment to the rules to crack into them, but they are there waiting for me when I'm ready.

1st Amendment

Ok...we all new this would happen...I have my 1st ammendment to my rules.

Amendment #1:
When good friend finds out she has cancer again.

If this isnt't reason enough to break rules, I'm not sure what is. Mrs. Mischief, I love you and am so sorry about the stupid (@$(*&^%$$#!^%& news you received today. I know in my heart everything will be fine and I love you! I will drink to and with you any day with you if it helps!

The Rules

Growing up my life didn't have all too many rules. This may strike you as funny since I am a preacher's kid, but seriously my parents were way cool and very trusting...as long as we didn't abuse that trust.

My parents raised me with an "everything in moderation" type of mentality. When it came to boys the rule was "the bathing suit rule". Which means that I wasn't supposed to touch or be touched anywhere a bathing suit covered. I think that's a pretty good rule. It's reasonable and not too strict. I wish I could say I always stuck to this rule, but that would be a lie. But...if I have girls, or boys for that matter, I think it's the guideline I will offer them on the issue...fully realizing there is no way they will every stick to it. But hey, you gotta give em something.

When it came to curfew, again, it was very fair. Everything was a case by case basis, and really, by the time I was 15 I had no set curfew. As long as my parents knew where I was, what I was doing and who I was with, I was allowed to be out to all hours. If the plan for the evening changed, and I would be home later than was originally planned, we had a system where I would call and leave a message on the 2nd phone line at home giving them my newly anticipated arrival time. That way if mom or dad woke up and I was not home, they could check on my status and then return to a worry free sleep knowing I was still safe and not missing.

This middle of the road mentality carried over to my mom's opinions on drinking. She always had a set of rules for when drinking was "allowed". I still remember them, and although I think even she has relaxed these at this point in life, this is what they were:

--Drink if it's free
i.e. - open bar at a wedding, free mimosas with brunch, etc.,

--Drink if you're on vacation
cause who doesn't love an umbrella drink by the pool

--Drink if you have cramps
seriously - no better cure for Aunt Flow's woes than a glass or 2 of wine. And...with the whole trying to get pregnant thing, sometimes you just need wine when the disappointment of another period arrives

It is possible I am missing an allowance or 2 here. I will have to ask Mom again to be sure. But here is my plan: get back to the original rules. I haven't drank anything in a few days, and you know what? I feel pretty darn good. I feel good mentally since I haven't craved it, and I feel physically good by not being as bloated. I do think this will help in my quest to shed the poundage put on since going off birth control 2 years ago. At least this is one of my main hopes in this dryness.

You know what they say - rules are made to be broken - so I'm sure there will be cheating when necessary. And I'm not going to be hard on myself for caving in. But this will be my game plan for the summer. To see how this goes - to see if I can do this - to see if I can feel better about myself.

So from my calculations my next drink will be either in 2 weeks 2 days when I head to NYC for a trip, OR, when my period arrives. Whichever comes first. Or, I will tomorrow wake up and say "what was I smoking when I wrote that!?" and say "nevermind". But hey, that's my perogative.

Summer Drought

So I'm considering going on a self-induced summer drought. That is a dry summer - dry of all alcoholic beverages. Can this be done? I am not sure. Do I NEED to quit - no. I'm not an alcoholic or anything. But would I be healthier if I stopped - yes.

This is something I've debated about in my head many a times, and I feel the need to list the pros and cons on here to help me make an informed decision.

Why Life would be better if I stopped drinking:
1 - My liver will thank me in 20 years
2 - My ever increasingly droopy eyes and rapidly appearing crow's feet will be slowed down. Let's be honest - alcohol is not a woman's best friend in the aging department
3 - I will drop some poundage. Wine = calories. Calories = fat. Fat = me right now
4 - Next time I get pregnant I won't have "oh crap, shouldn't have had those 4 drinks yesterday" moment - and self-induced guilt that occurs afterward.
5 - I will no longer wake up next day saying "I can't believe I said that!"
6 - My father-in-law who thinks I'm a wino will be so proud

Why Life would suck oh so bad if I stopped drinking:
1 - Um....because it sucks to not drink
2 - Bubba will be oh so disappointed if I stop coming home on Thursdays saucy and ready to fool around.
3 - Bad days will just be bad days...not bad days made better by consumption.
4 - I may die of cancer because I will replace wine with diet sodas which have cancer causing agents.
5 - I may die because Sunny may kill me if I quit - ha!
6 - Why impose self induced dryness on myself? When inevitably I will be pregnant again and have to stop anyway and then be pissed at myself for all the time wasted without drinks.
7 - Have many trips and occasions coming up (NY with mom-in-law, wedding receptions, vacation with Bubba) that would be less fun without embibing.
8 - It's summer...what fun is summer without time spent on deck with margaritas?

So what do you girls think? Should I cut myself off? Or keep the party going?

Rollin' with my homies

Any "Clueless" fans out there?

I'm officially out - so blog roll away! Now if I can just think of more things to blog about...we'll be in good shape.

Say It Like You Mean It

We've all done it a million times. Said the words "thank you" when we certainly don't mean it. A mother-in-law gives you potholders for Christmas and you say through gritted teeth "Thank You" while inside you wonder why her real daughter got amazing things while you got friggin potholders. Or when you were young and Great Aunt Mabel bought you a ridiculously hidious frilly birthday outfit that mom made you wear at some family outing Mabel would also attend and you would have to go up and say "thank you for the pretty dress" meanwhile wishing you were wearing anything else and dying of embarassment over the ugliness of it. Or, my favorite is the time at my bridal shower when a slightly crazy older lady gave me a piece of lingerie that was as big as a house. It literally was a plus size 3x - I weighed 122 at the time - yep...what do you say to that one? My reply was "oh thanks! My husband to be will just love this!" while trying not to make eye contact with any of my friends so that I wouldn't bust out laughing.

We all have these stories and have said and done it more times than can be counted. Said "thank you" and not meant it at all. Not even the slightest bit.

It's easy to say "thank you" when you don't have to mean it. It's life, it's human, it just rolls off the tongue...and best of all, no one will ever know your thoughts. They won't know you're full ot if, but will just take the words at face value. So, my question today, is how do you say "thank you" for something awful and truly mean it? What if the person you need to say thank you to is God - who knows your heart and your true thoughts and cannot be faked out? What if you've just come to the realization that you are supposed to thank God for a situation that seems unthankable? As part of a reading for a group I'm in, I was hit in the face with this yesterday. I'm supposed to give thanks to God for everything - EVERYTHING. Um....yeah...how do you do this and mean it?

So today I started my road to being truly thankful for the bad things that have happened to me over the past 18 months. I spent some time with God and told him "thank You". Thank you for my 1st miscarriage. Thank You for my 2nd miscarriage. And last but not least, thank You for my 3rd. Do I mean it yet? Nope. Not at all. But I know I'm doing the right thing by saying it, and surrendering to knowing that I'm supposed to give thanks in every situation, because God is there during both the good and the bad. I will keep saying "Thank You" in crying prayers to God and I truly believe that eventually I will mean it. I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. And...it will help heal. Cause any time I am faithful to do what I know God wants of me, He is faithful right back to me.

So...if you have any advice on how to be thankful for something that seems unworthy of it, please do tell. And....what are those horrendous gifts you've been given that you've faked your way through the thanksgiving?

First Post

Okay...so I've decided to blog, now I have to decide what my first post should be about. Wow..the pressure. This first post needs to set the mood for the entire existence of my blog. And...I'm a perfectionist by nature, so this post will never be good enough for my 1st post expectations. So I'm just gonna get this out of the way and say...yep...this is it...my 1st post, and be done with it. I promise the 2nd post will be better. But I just need to get this one behind me.